QB Faces in New Places

I have acquired the NFL script detailing this month's quarterback carousel. No, I will not reveal my sources. Why? I simply do not need them. I stole the script myself. And man, is it a doozy.

The script begins by saying half the league could start a new signal caller in Week 1 of the 2023 season. Insane. 16 new QBs? There are the usual destinations: Carolina, Washington, and New Orleans.

Then things get interesting. Below, I've shared six of the most intriguing storylines outlined in the script. Derek Carr to the Vikings, anyone?

The Indianapolis Colts trade for Aaron Rodgers, draft Will Levis

Aaron Rodgers exits the cabin having learned nothing. His darkness retreat was fine but he only tripped for like a few hours or whatever. He makes for the parking lot when he sees a figure approaching him.

It’s Jim Irsay. Of course it is, Rodgers thinks. Billionaires always track you down. (He’s pretty sure Joe Rogan taught him that.)

Irsay isn’t alone. His driver and their Maybach wait alongside a stretch limousine. The limo’s sunroof glides open and up jumps Pat McAfee, double-fisting Natty Lights and yelling at Rodgers to join the party. Irsay walks over to Rodgers, drops DMT into his hands and says, "Let’s ride."

Rodgers throws his keys to McAfee and follows Irsay into the Maybach. One of the guys from the McAfee show, let’s say a big guy with a beard, exits the limo and walks over to Rodgers’ rental car.

Having driven through the night, the convoy arrives at McAfee’s Indianapolis studios right around lunch. A thin guy with a dandy mustache opens Irsay’s door and hands him a fresh pack of smokes. McAfee and his entourage follow the quarterback and the billionaire inside.

The plan is for Rodgers to join the McAfee show full-time to build his post–playing career brand. They cite Tom Brady’s upcoming gig and it strikes a chord with Rodgers. He knows he has to think a couple steps ahead—13, in fact (another thing Rogan taught him).

The Colts send future picks to Green Bay for Rodgers, then during the NFL Draft they trade down to New Orleans for No. 29, additional picks, and some win-now guys on both sides of the ball. Chris Ballard—who was notably absent during the meetup at McAfee studios—has an ace up his sleeve. Irsay told Rodgers the Colts would take a 1st-rd WR to pair with Michael Pittman, but none of the WRs they wanted are available at No. 29. Ballard drafts a defensive player and shifts his focus to pick No. 35.

Will Levis, who tested off the charts during the pre-draft process but was ultimately deemed too raw to be a 1st-rd prospect, is available in the early 2nd and Ballard can’t resist. The Colts have their cake and eat it too, pairing a last-dance gunslinger with a mound of Play-Doh for Shane Steichen to sculpt.

As the Levis pick is announced onscreen, McAfee and his livestream viewers explode. The host says he'll get Rodgers on the horn. He dials.

Sent to voicemail. The phone is stashed away in the retreat's office. In one of the cabins, Rodgers sits in darkness. This time for a week. That should do the trick.

FANTASY IMPACT — Drafters rejoice!

• 📈 Jonathan Taylor, Alec Pierce, Michael Pittman, Will Levis (dynasty), Aaron Rodgers feeling slighted, Aaron Rodgers' MVP odds
• 📉 Nathaniel Hackett 💀

BOTTOM LINE — Shane Steichen prioritizes passing early and often. Whether it's Bryce Young, C.J. Stroud, Rodgers, some other rookie or veteran, the Bandit is backing Colts skill-position players in all fantasy formats.

The New York Jets trade for Kirk Cousins

Former U.S. Ambassador to the U.K. Woody Johnson screams at a table of white-shoed lawyers. The Jets owner demands they use Vic Fangio’s recent consulting stint with the Eagles as probable cause to get out of their contract with failed lure Nathaniel Hackett. Unfortunately for this billionaire, there's nothing they can do.

Johnson storms out of the conference room knowing he has to make a splash—and fast. Derek Carr and Ryan Tannehill have already brushed him off, and Johnson has vowed to never let them forget it. (Rogan says you should never forgive a perceived slight.)

Jets GM Joe Douglas is trimming his prized bonsai when Johnson kicks open his door. "I'm not leaving until you get me a quarterback," shrieks the heir of the Johnson & Johnson fortune.

Kirk Cousins exits the bathroom without washing his hands. He passes the conference room where Vikings GM Kwesi Adofo-Mensah and HC Kevin O'Connell stare through the glass at their soon-to-be-former quarterback. Cousins avoids eye contact and leaves the facility without a contract extension.

Back inside, the GM holds a finger to his mouth and shushes the HC. Their eyes dart toward the ceiling, toward a skittering in the vents above. Peering through the grate, the coach and the manager see a shadowy figure staring back at them: a wild schefter, ready to feast.

Adofo-Mensah and O'Connell stand up and tip-toe their way to the door, then sprint as fast as they can down the hallway, down the stairwell, and into the parking lot. The skittering fades away and a disgruntled yowl echoes across Vikings campus.

As one schefter fades, another emerges. Twitter's ablaze with the intel: Cousins wants out. He must have leaked the request to a schefter. "Don't worry," the GM texts the HC. "We'll find a match."

TRADE — The New York Jets trade Elijah Moore, a 2023 4th (No. 112 overall), and a future Day 2 pick to the Minnesota Vikings for Kirk Cousins

Robert Saleh puts on a happy face. Joe Douglas can barely muster a smile. Woody Johnson walks over to Cousins and together they hold up a green No. 8 jersey. Cameras flutter. The floor opens for questions. An intrepid young reporter asks Cousins about Zach Wilson and how he plans to mentor the young QB.

Cousins takes a second to flick some lint off his firmly pressed J. Crew button-down, then responds. He talks about how both he and Wilson are men of faith and their shared beliefs will help them succeed in the upcoming season. Cousins notes that he, too, was doubted early in his career but persevered. In a somewhat refreshing twist, Cousins acknowledges that both he and Zach Wilson come across as complete assholes whom their teammates despise.

During the Q&A, news breaks that the Vikings have found Cousins' replacement. One journalist snickers and turns to a colleague, "They're basically the same guy." Every hand in the gallery shoots up for a chance to break the news.

The Minnesota Vikings sign Derek Carr

Roughly 1,200 miles away in Eagan, Minnesota, the Vikings general manager and head coach cheers their Juicy Lucys, dapping buns.

What a coup! The Vikings add a high-end WR2 in Elijah Moore to pair with Justin Jefferson and T.J. Hockenson, and they upgrade leadership at the game's most important position. Derek Carr's supporting cast is arguably the best he's ever had—from skill positions to coaching staff—and his addition allows the Vikings to focus on defense for the remainder of NFL Free Agency and the Draft.

FANTASY IMPACT — Carr is still Carr, a BYE week fill-in or QB2 🤷

BOTTOM LINE (VIKINGS) — Justin Jefferson should be the 1.01 in most redraft and best ball formats, regardless of QB play. Kevin O'Connell wasted no time in revolving the offense around JJettas, much like he (and the McVay tree) did with Cooper Kupp and the Rams.

BOTTOM LINE (JETS) — 🛫 Garrett Wilson, too, should be considered in the first round of most redraft and best ball formats. The Jets certainly aim to have improved QB play in 2023, but even if they're stuck piecing things together, the offense will largely run through Wilson and Breece Hall (when fully recovered from injury).

The Houston Texans sign Jimmy Garoppolo, draft Anthony Richardson

Per Rotoworld, Texans HC DeMeco Ryans says the team will look to add a quarterback in free agency and the draft.

Ryans also called Bryce Young an "outstanding quarterback" and said "the system is built around the quarterback" and not the other way around, presumably distancing himself from the Shanny Way™️.

And yet! That's not what's in the script, DeMeco!

The script calls for the Texans to "sign a quarterback that fits the system named Jimmy Garoppolo to a modest 2- to 3-year deal." Then, in the NFL Draft, scriptwriters insist the Texans draft Anthony Richardson at No. 12.

Really, though, the Bandit just wants A-Rich to go in the first round of the NFL Draft: to the Texans, to the Panthers, wherever, really. How 'bout the Bucs?

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers sign Jacoby Brissett, draft Anthony Richardson

Time to hit the reset button. With several players exiting in free agency and many more to be moved before the trade deadline, the Buccaneers spend their offseason plotting for 2024 and beyond.

Who better than Jacoby Brissett to take over for the GOAT? The man is the Michael Clayton of the NFL, a fixer brought in during terrible circumstances tasked with making things right.

When Andrew Luck suddenly retired in August 2019, who did the Colts turn to but Jacoby Brissett. During an infamous 2021 Dolphins season where ownership tried to lure Sean Payton and Tom Brady to Miami to take over for Brian Flores and Tua Tagovailoa, there was Jacoby the Fixer, yet again. Deshaun Watson gets traded to the Browns and suspended for 11 games in the 2022 season. Brissett steps in and throws for more than 2,600 yards, and totals 12 TDs to 6 INTs.

Across those three stints, Brissett's teams won 13 games and lost 18. He has improved his completion percentage each year and never thrown more than 7 interceptions in a season.

The right man for the job, Brissett can keep the Bucs floating around .500 as they look to move on from their aging stars and jumpstart their rebuild heading into the 2024 season.

Whether they take a shot on a QB in this draft or next, it's clear they need to add stability to the roster to showcase the remaining talent they have, to maximize their value in any future trades.

FANTASY IMPACT — The WRs live to fight another day

• 📈 Chris Godwin, Mike Evans, Cade Otton
• 📉 Kyle Trask

Bringing in a stable pocket presence would be the best possible outcome for Chris Godwin and Mike Evans' fantasy value.

With any luck, one of the two (or both!) will be moved before the season, or at least before the deadline. The club may view Evans as one of the best players in their franchise history (an absolute fact ✅) and Godwin as a core piece of their rebuild (signed at $20 million per💰through 2024), so don't hold your breath waiting for the Bucs to make a blockbuster.

The Arizona Cardinals sign Jameis Winston

The Fantasy Gods save the best for last: Lasik Jameis is back!

Behind closed doors, the Arizona Cardinals decide to sit Kyler Murray for the entire 2023 season. They go on to have a decent enough draft and take a few chances in free agency, all the while telling members of the press that Kyler remains on track for a mid-season debut.

Not so fast! New general manager Monti Ossenfort has just the salve for a beleaguered desert fanbase. Noting in his introductory press conference that "ego will have no place in [the Cardinals] organization," he has identified the perfect man for the 2023 job: Jameis Winston.

Famous Jameis arrives in Glendale and is the leader from Day 1. He enjoys a career season and unlocks Marquise Brown as the two of them enjoy QB1 and WR1 fantasy finishes.